Pictured: Donald Trump rejuvenated!

Donald Trump finds his 'inner self'.

Decided it was time to try the 'hippie' lifestyle.

27th March, 2024.

Leaving nothing to chance, and inspired by the 'California Effect', Donald Trump has decided to embrace an alternative approach to life and spend some time enjoying the free spirited attitude enjoyed by old-fashioned hippies.

"What a wonderful feeling this is", said Donald. "I wish I had done this years ago", he added. But unwilling to let go of his core values, he is still promoting the 'Make America Great Again' ("MAGA") ideology and encouraging all countercultural and alternative lifestyle advocates and practitioners to accept that the country really does need saving.

This new trend has been initiated exclusively by Donald, and employs all of the traditional American core values combined with completely unfettered freedoms. "This should appeal to everyone who loves America", he proclaims. To emphasise this new theory, he has even commissioned new MAGA medallions to be minted for everyone to wear. Made from pure pyrite, this new medallion represents everything that Donald stands for. He said you would have to be a fool not to wear one.

Come Presidential Election day, it remains to be seen how much impact Donald's new look will have on the voters on all sides of the social spectrum. If it works, Donald will be returned to the White House in spectacular fashion, with a history-making margin of support over his (allegedly) dementia-ridden opponent, Joe Biden. In fact, if and when he is returned to the White House, he has further promised to paint it in rainbow colours - to demonstrate his support for those who openly practise unorthodox lifestyles.

There are a few downsides to this experiment. Firstly, Donald has incurred the wrath of the Democratic Party who believe he is trying to 'steal their thunder'. They have decided to challenge Donald directly by asking their Head of Culture (see below) to place a curse upon him and try to destroy him with witchcraft.

Donald's 'best buddy' in Russia (President Vladimir Putin) has also expressed concern about developments in Trump's personal and political life. 'Vlad the Lad', who is strongly opposed to anything that does not meet his strict macho principles, has sent Donald a gift (see below) so he can demonstrate that he is still "butch and manly", as Vlad put it. "Take off those ridiculous clothes and ride your horse every day", said Vlad.

The MAGA medallion.

Pictured: the League of Old Aged Deplorables.

UK shown to be a very miserable place to live.

Rishi Sunak in bid to introduce emergency legislation

16th March, 2024.

In a recent survey by 'Sapien Labs', it was discovered that the UK is the second most miserable place to live in the entire world. Both shocked and upset by this revelation, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has created a special panel of legal experts and given them instructions to draw up legislation to counteract this terrible situation.

One of the Prime Minister's ideas is to legislate for 'Compulsory Happiness Orders'. They will be issued to anyone who seems to be too miserable for their own good. It is also suggested that to support this new law that a hotline be set-up - so that members of the general public can report anyone they see that they think is unduly sad and miserable, and making those they come into contact with feel the same way.

Upon hearing of this new plan to subdue and defeat misery, an organisation known as the 'League of Old Age Deplorables' organised a protest outside the House of Commons. They have demanded the right to be unhappy as and when they like. "It's our right to be sad old gits", said one of the male protestors. "It's not easy growing old and yet be expected to be joyous all of the time", he added.

"They will have to accept the new law when it is enacted", said one Member of Parliament as he left to return to his constituency. "We in the Tory party will not tolerate these 'Zimmerframe Zombies' upsetting other people and bringing our great nation into disrepute. This is exclusively our job", said a second MP before rushing away.

So it remains to be seen if a new 'age war' will break out in the UK, and if the Tories can withstand the hostile response from what is quite literally a battalion of angry old people. "We have many friends in the House of Lords who are just as miserable as us. They will stop the Tories in their tracks", said a further protestor.

It's all going to get very feisty and unpleasant in the months and years to come.

Pictured: 'Catain Uranium'.

The White House to launch a new children's magazine.

Joe Biden ... superhero?

8th March, 2024.

The White House has decided to try and prop-up Joe Biden's diminishing public support by introducing a new children's magazine. It will show Joe as a superhero protecting the world. The premise of this idea is that by using his 'Uranium Green Shield', he can defend humanity by deploying American-controlled nuclear weapons to every corner of the Earth.

But as there is always the threat that most of humanity will be wiped out in a nuclear war, the future will reply upon the youngest and strongest to repopulate the planet. This is why the new magazine will be aimed at children. The title of this publication has been given the provisional title of 'Captain Uranium's Nuclear Times'. Joe is hoping that children will be inspired by the adventures of Captain Uranium and join a new elite that is planned for the future. This select band of new 'heroes' will be known as 'Captain Uranium's Nuclear Troopers'.

Joe's political party, better known as the 'Dumbocrats', think this will be a great success. After tirelessly working in recent years to corrupt and manipulate young children, they believe they can be ably represented in a future World Government by their new legion of supporters.

The Uranium Green Shield.

Pictured: A brawl at the Bundestag.

Pacifists dare to challenge the German government.

It was always going to end badly.

7th March, 2024.

Earlier today, pacifists invaded the German Bundestag with the intention of protesting against the planned attack upon Russia. Led by leading German pacifist, Friedrich von Friedensstifter, the group of protestors took up a position in a government lobby room - which they refused to be removed from.

Upon hearing of their presence, nearly all of the politicians who were debating the contentious issue, decided to go to the lobby room to help put an end to this protest. Unfortunately, and as most of them have pro-Nazi viewpoints, tolerance was not forthcoming. Armed with anything they could grab, they rushed into the lobby room and started to attack the protestors. Sadly, being pacifists, and heavily outnumbered, the situation quickly turned very ugly.

Last to arrive at the melee was Miss Annalena Baerbock. She had only just arrived back at the Bundestag after shopping for fresh sunflowers. Initially, she shouted for calm and an end to the violence, being painfully unaware what the fighting was all about. Being unable to make herself heard, she forced her way to the centre of the crowd, hoping that her rank and authority within the government would restore some order and quell the anger. But once she had positioned herself, and managed to at least bring a temporary end to the fighting, she learned of the pacifists demands.

Now it was Ms Baerbock who became the most angry of the assembled mob. She was furious that anyone would dare to challenge the pro-Nazi policies of the government and started to shout and scream at von Friedensstifter. The mob took this as a sign to continue their attack upon the pacifists. And at the centre of this terrible scene Ms Baerbock was seen using her large bunch of sunflowers to viciously thrash von Friedensstifter while repeatedly screaming, "turn 360 degrees, turn 360 degrees".

Eventually, the Bundestag's own security forces, the 'Swastika Squad', put an end of the fighting and ejected the protestors.

The Swastika Squad spring into action.

Pictured: A Gay Gordonov soldier, an *RU12 tank, a road paint-spraying tanker.

Putin employs a cunning new tactic!

Ukrainians bewildered and left feeling impotent.

3rd March, 2024.

Nobody expected this from strict 'straight man' Vladimir Putin, but it happened. In an attempt to neutralise the Ukrainian threat to his advancing forces, he was persuaded by a group of psychologists to try something completely different to his conventional war strategy. It was argued that due to the powerful influence of the LGBTQ movement across the Western world, that it it was something that could also be used to Russia's advantage.

It wasn't an easy task, convincing the Russian President to adopt this strange idea. In fact, he vomited copiously for almost 24 hours before he felt well enough to properly consider all the advantages this new strategy would bring. And so, with his restrained and begrudging approval, he agreed to try this new idea. So what exactly did this new concept involve? It called for a brand new regiment of gay soldiers to be created, and that they would man rainbow coloured tanks to attack some of the strongest Ukrainian defences.

Henceforth, the 'Gay Gordonov Regiment' came into being. The belief was that by accepting the LGBTQ principle into the Russian army, they could create a fighting force that could not itself be attacked by the gay-loving Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelenskyy. "How do I respond to this?", said Zelenskyy. "How can I authorise my own troops to attack something I cherish so much", he added. "And even if I did authorise an attack upon these new Russian forces, I would incur the wrath of the LGBTQ movement all around the world!" ... "They even have a fleet of tankers following the tanks and painting the roads in rainbow colours to stop us bombing them - which prevents us from disrupting supply lines." ... "The tanks are also displaying large sunflowers to win the support of the Green Party."

Zelenskyy is trapped inside a dilemma. He feels powerless to act, and despite the pleadings of his fascist accomplices, he refuses to give way to their demand that he takes the risk of being castigated by gay people wherever he goes. Even the outrageously gay American Government have expressed horror to the thought of any harm coming to anything connected to the LGBTQ movement. President Biden said: "How can we promote gay sex education to young children if we approve of violence towards this regiment?"

The bottom line is that there is nothing to stop the Gay Gordonovs reaching Kyiv and winning the war for Putin.

Postscript: Fakir News tried to speak to Putin directly. But we were told that he is not in Moscow at this time, and that he is somewhere in the Siberian wilderness indulging in daily outings where he is riding shirtless on horseback. He will continue to do this until he stops feeling nauseous.

*We were also told that the 'RU12' name for the new tanks should be pronounced as 'R-U-One-Two'. They are at their most dangerous when your guard is down and they attack you from the rear.

Pictured: White elephants in Portsmouth harbour.

Portsmouth harbour attracting white elephants

They were curious.

12th February, 2024.

There are reports of white elephants appearing in Portsmouth harbour. After hearing that other white elephants are residing there, they felt the need to see if they may be connected in some way. Upon arriving at the harbour, they found these other 'animals' floundering in seawater. And what strange creatures they appear to be! Nothing like those who traveled so far to see what all the fuss was about.

The problem now is that the visitors feel the need to remain and investigate further. Some have even taken to wearing life jackets so that they can enter the water and swim around the naval vessels docked there to see if there is any semblance at all to the more traditonal type of quadrupeds. Sadly, there is none, but the confusion remains. So why are these strange-looking creatures often being referred to as 'white elephants'?

The matriarch of the visiting white elephants has come to the conclusion that Portsmouth harbour must be something like an elephants' graveyard. A place where not elephants themselves go to die, but instead where these vessels meet their fate. This thought carries some weight as nothing seems to move there, and for all intents and purposes, nothing is likely to move for some time to come. So are they eventually destined for the scrapyard? Or will they just be left where they are until they rust and eventually sink?

Perhaps when they are finally gone, the visitors will also leave. But until that time arrives, this unusual and strange kinship will persist. Sad days indeed.

Pictured: Javier Milei: reduced to tears.

Milei suffers a major disappointment

He didn't receive what he was hoping for.

7th February, 2024.

It was all going so well for Argentinian President Javier Milei until he received some heartbreaking news in Jerusalem. He was told by the local Rabbi that he was far too old too have a bar mitzvah. Consequently, there would also be no celebration party after the hoped-for ceremony. If that was not enough to cause disappointment to Milei, it was also revealed he had never been circumcised. Recoiling in horror, the Rabbi also stated that Milei would never be welcome in the Jewish community until he had the 'todger trim'.

It was too much for Milei to bear, and he broke down in a flood of tears. However, and due to some 'horse-trading', Milei's promise to move the Argentinian Embassy to Jerusalem did win some favour with his hosts. So, despite being denied the privileges he was hoping for, he was told he could still have a party, and with all the trimmings.

The downside was that he would have to return to Argentina immediately after the party, and that he would be transported to Ben Gurian International airport in a cattle crate.

Will there be a 'sting in the tail' (pun intended)? Will Javier now have his circumcision so that he can return to Israel at a later date? It's a sore point (at least it will be if he goes ahead with the procedure).

Pictured: Putin acting out his Dr Evil fantasy.

President Putin reveals his inner desires!

Austin powers! We need you to put an end to this!

2nd February, 2024.

Nobody knew ... until today. There were suspicions, and there were rumours. And now they seem to be true as President Putin has been exposed as a fan of cosplay. And the object of his desire to be seen as someone else is none other than the fictional character, 'Dr Evil', from the Austin Power movies.

But this is more than just a casual romance with the idea of ruling the world. His Dr Evil persona is now taking over. As an example of his dictatorial behaviour, he has decided to continue enforcing Covid vaccinations upon more of his subjects.

We should have seen this coming in 2021 when he authorised compulsory vaccination for the entire country. Now he he trying to target the most vulnerable, and those who have previously not been 'Sputniked'. It's a dark day for Russia when the President loses his marbles and insists on completing his dastardly plan to jab all-and-sundry with a concoction that was never needed in the first place.

The biggest fear, however, is will this crazy, manic behaviour continue? Or will it come to an end? If Russia does eventually invade Europe, will he also insist that all of the continent's subjects also be subject to his crazy vaccination ideology? This has to stop now. But with Putin expected to be re-elected this coming month of March, we shall all be in peril if the war in Ukraine extends beyond it's borders. Maybe we should remember the famous quote: "Beware the Ides of March"? Except in this instance, it is not 'Caesar' (Putin) who will be stabbed, it is everyone within his reach who will feel the stinging pain of a hypodermic needle.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Pictured: The Taliban's new base on the moon.

Shock! Horror!

How did they manage that?

29th January, 2024.

Somehow, in some way, and beyond the comprehension of the rest of the world, the Taliban have laid stake to part of the moon and have established a base there.

The new fully-assembled structure is located within an area of the moon known as 'Lacus Mortis' ('Lake of Death'). Even more shocking is that the base's new commander-in-chief is none other than Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden. Everyone thought he died in 2011, but he was secretly smuggled to safety by his organisation, al-Qaeda, and then given the full protection of the Taliban.

In the 12+ years that bin Laden has been hidden, he and a special team of Iranian-trained operatives have been preparing for this momentous occasion. "Now we bring the name of our mighty and powerful Allah to the moon", stated bin Laden. "America should now tremble in fear as we are out of the range of their weapons of mass destruction, and that we can prepare to conquer the whole of the moon unimpeded".

Pictured: Taliban Moon Buggy.

Upon hearing of this revelation, Fakir News sought out President Joe Biden to get his opinion. Fortunately, we managed to locate someone who could translate the language known as 'Gibberish', and his reply (we think) was something like: "What day is it?" ... "Is Nancy still alive?" ... "What's for dinner tonight?" ... "Anyone seen my shoes?" ... "Who won the ballgame I was watching last night?" ... "Has Putin surrendered yet?" ... "How do I get out of here?". His remarks continued to be meaningless (for about 20 minutes) until he finally understood our questions.

His general response was that he had no knowledge or memory of bin Laden, and did not care what he was doing now. Then he fell asleep again after these sporadic moments of delirious and confused semi-consciousness.

Pictured: Ukrainian Deputy Defense Minister Ivan Gavrilyuk. Mr Gavrilyuk is also the commander of the Ukrainian Slapheads Division.

Ukraine updates and reissues new demands

The sky is not the limit. In Ukraine, insanity knows no limits!

22nd January, 2024.

'Chairman Zelenskyy' and his administration have issued new demands. Thought you may have heard them all before? Then the answer is a firm, 'NO'!

The most striking of these new demands is that they "... must include Russia's renunciation of nuclear weapons,". Yes, sure. It is blatantly obvious that Russia will never agree to this, but it shows that the Ukrainians are not serious about any sensible negotiations.

But since this ridiculous proposal, among others made by Ukraine, Fakir News has learned of others 'in the pipeline' (and one that will not be blown up). Of these, and to satisfy those they are fighting a war on behalf of (initially America, but also NATO), include some devised by a senile old man ("the old man") who is currently, and illegally, squatting in the White House.

So what are these new demands? Aside from the original demands that Russia be plunged into chaos, one is that Putin also be deposed. The old man is insisting that after Putin has gone, Russia must start to live by the same laws that are observed in America. These laws include, but not entirely, open borders so that anyone with any motive can enter Russia and create mayhem. There is also a demand that young children be given access to gay pornography. Gay Pride flags must be flown above all government buildings, and that everyone should indulge in homosexual behaviour at least once a year. Paedophiles, perverts and cross-dressing sexual deviants be given the freedom of the country. They must also be put in control of all educational establishments. Russia must also allow the American Dollar to flood the economy and bring it to it's knees. As a consequence, BRICS must be brought to an end. The 'Demonic Dollar' must be allowed to reign supreme across the world. And all of this is just for starters.

Postscript & Comment: Fakir News says if you think this is all fantasy, well maybe some of it. But other parts are genuine (at least the description of what is happening to American society). If you really want to feel safer in this world, to prevent your children being abused and corrupted, it is America that needs to be defeated, not Russia. But come WWIII, nothing can be predicted - apart from the warnings given in the Bible, and specifically the 'Book of Revelations'.

Ministry of Defence advertise for "Director of Submarines"

The Royal Navy is scraping the barrel. A real 'rum do'.

6th January, 2024.

The Royal Navy ("RN") has been reduced to advertising an important vacancy on social media (similar to the one in our image).

On anti-social media website, 'Missing Link [Up], the Navy makes a desperate plea for someone of any description to apply for the vacancy on offer.

While certain critical qualifications are usually required for this position, the RN is doubling down and leaving open the door for those who may not measure up to the usual high standards demanded by the RN. This means that anyone, and we mean ANYONE, can submit their application to the RN for consideration. Age, experience, qualifications, physical ability, none of these are required to be presented upon being interviewed. However, the applicant will have to demonstrate some knowledge of naval affairs and possess some knowledge of the world around them.

Some of the aspirants who have already failed to complete their interviews successfully include someone who identifies as 'Admiral Nelson', a man dressed up as 'Captain Birdseye', a parrot who has been taught to repeatedly say 'Let's bomb Russia', and a stuffed lion draped in the (UK) Union flag. Sadly, all of these candidates fell just short of a chance of winning a second interview.

Mr Ug is seen here during an interview at his local Jobcentre.

One of those who did qualify for a second interview, and despite his obviously flawed CV, was one 'Mr Ug'. His body was successfully reanimated after being frozen in ice for such a long period of time - at least 5,000 years. Mr Ug portrayed himself as a 'bold warrior', a man that knows no fear, a man who has survived in a previously hostile environment. In consideration of his lack of knowledge of the modern world, Mr Ug was also given some education which would help him survive in his new environment. In part, he was shown a photo of a British sailor, and a map of the world - especially where Russia and China are. These assets proved especially useful in his latest attempt to find gainful employment.

Finally, and also upon learning some new communication skills, Mr Ug has a fair chance of becoming the new Director of Submarines. We wish him well.

W H Smith to perform NHS minor surgery

The craft knives are out and sharpened

4th January, 2024.

It was recently reported that the stationery company, W H Smith, was changing it's familiar logo to resemble the one used by the National Health Service ("NHS").

This maybe due to the desire to increase profits while also assisting the struggling NHS. The main issue for the NHS are the strikes that are being called by junior doctors.

A spokesperson for W H Smith, who also happens to be a part-time shop assistant, confirmed this move by the company. "We have some of the equipment in our stores to perform minor surgery, and this should take some of the pressure off the NHS. We have staplers, sticky tape, super glue, craft knives, and other implements which we shall be using to perform such operations. As these are similar to the things you would find in a regular NHS hospital, we feel the patients we treat will not notice any difference in the quality of their treatment."

"For those patients who come to us with more serious medical issues, and which require more careful attention, we are referring them on to their nearest B&Q store. We are doing this as it is obvious that B&Q are better equipped to perform more complex operations, such as amputations and the replacement of vital organs."

"Finally, and to act as an incentive for patients putting their trust in us, we are offering them free gifts. These include a £5 mobile phone top-up voucher, a daily newspaper of their own choice, and a will-making service. Everyone is a winner!"

The NHS gives it's opinion

After speaking to the representative from W H Smith, we sought the opinion of a young student NHS nurse. She stated that: "This is a great opportunity to take some of the pressure off the hard working nurses in the NHS. We shall also have more spare time to practice our TikTok dance routines for when the next Covid crisis strikes."