Pictured: Banquet for the Brazen?

Andy's chinese takeaway.

You wanna flied lice wi dat?

15th December, 2024.

It began when Andy simply wanted to order a Chinese meal. Not wishing to purchase from his local takeaway, he decided to place an order at an 'elite' but unnamed place that had been recommended to him by one of his young female friends. "You will like the food, and really like the fortune cookies", she said. "They always seem to bring good fortune to those who receive them", she added.

And so a long and tortuous relationship began. Addicted to all of the items on the menu, he would make regular orders for his new-found favourite food. His butlers could be seen running backwards and forwards to the takeaway outlet that was feeding him.

It was usually just a few choice items each time that would be ordered. But if Sarah was visiting, it would be as many as three or four set meals that would be brought back to the palace. One would have to ask how much monosodium glutamate can one tolerate? Maybe this is what kept Andy addicted as his demands for more and more food grew. And of course, there were also the other 'side effects', ones which would eventually lead Andy into trouble.

Andy's addiction inspired him to become a businessman of international renown. He wanted to open Chinese takeaways everywhere - reaching to all four corners of the Earth. This is when things really got tricky and he overstretched himself (something he had done before during long and lonely nights without anyone to entertain him).

Enter the character known at this time only has 'H6', someone who can always seen with his beautiful Chinese female assistant, known only as 'H₂0'. Together, they hatched a plot to entrap Andy.

Enamoured and distracted by H₂0, Andy quickly fell pray to the subterfuge of appearing to support Andy's plan for worldwide Chinese takeaways, but secretly making plans to steal some of the *Crown Jewels when in the possession of Queen Elizabeth - for use during State Occasions ('Liz' would keep them wrapped in a bin liner in her wardrobe at night).

*Out of interest, King Charles has done away with this practice. He now keeps the same jewels in an old tea chest in the Palace's kitchen quarters (and hidden under a pile of organic carrots).

Not being sure who should investigate this matter has caused some confusion. Should it be MI5, or MI6? The solution was to create a more secretive agency which is known to virtually nobody, but is commonly referred to by those few select individuals 'in the know' as MI5 and a half.

What will happen next is anyone's guess. We await further exposure to better understand exactly what is happening, and if any further criminality had been planned by these devious Chinese agents. As for Andy, his latest fortune cookie told him to welcome a man with oriental features bearing large amounts of money. Funny thing is that this was the same message in ALL of the fortune cookies he has opened since his craving for Chinese food began.

If this was not enough, 2025 is Chinese Year of the Pig! Now that is a warning! Oink, oink, and please, your highness, put these beautifully crafted stainless steel bracelets around your wrists!

Pictured: King Charles being asked to drink hemlock

God save the King!

Charles is plunged into a deadly dilemma.

25th October, 2024.

It's been a hostile reception for King Charles at some overseas locations. From an 'indigenous' Australians to hostile Samoans, it has been a tour of Commonwealth nations that has proven to be both unsettling and dangerous.

The fact remains that although the King remains very popular with some of his country's previously used and abused subjects, there are those who are angry at historical colonial exploitation. "Enough is enough", some of them say. The King must prove himself worthy, and even 'godlike', if he is to remain as the principle perpetrator of British arrogance.

That aside, saying "sorry" is still not going to be good enough for those who feel aggrieved. They also expect to be adequately compensated for all the suffering that they, and their ancestors, have had to endure. "Your country has given billions in support to a little tyrant in Ukraine, so why not give some money to those who really deserve it". So said the man (referred to as 'Tut-Tut' by the natives) who approached the King as he sat on a 'throne' - one covered with an old stained blanket.

Tut-Tut then handed the King a bowl containing hemlock. "We would have given you some of our traditional poisonous brew, but in recognition of your Greek heritage, we offer you hemlock instead", he then added. "To earn our respect, prove you are more than a King, prove you are also a God - just like our supreme being, Tagaloa".

The King looked nervous as he pondered his options. Should he risk sipping the lethal concoction, and then hope to be given a quick remedy by his aides, or just make a run for it. If he refused, Tut-Tut would have chased after him and whacked him about the head with his weapons. The King tried to joke his way out of his predicament by saying: "I see that the civilised sport of cricket has reached this part of the world, in some manner or fashion". But this only served to enrage Tut-Tut even more, so during the turmoil that ensued, he, Camilla, and their entourage, beat a hasty retreat to the coast where they were met by members of a Royal Navy frigate which just happened to be patrolling nearby.

"Tut-Tut"

This is how the King's visit to Samoa ended - being unceremoniously chased away from the island in the most undignified way possible. "Bloody Hell", proclaimed the King as he finally found sanctuary. "I will not be coming back here in a hurry".

Sorry, Your Highness, but you just have to accept that dissent is growing in this part of the world and the old empire is well-and-truly dead. You are losing what diminishing respect that remains for you and you will never be able to retrieve it. "Give us the loot and then you can scoot", is the new catchphrase that is spreading like wildfire, and which he hears whenever he visits former colonies.

Fakir News has advice for the King. Stay at home where you can at least still enjoy the flag-waving of enthusiastic and servile supporters of the monarchy. After all, there's no place like home, is there?