Pictured: The Pope and his new band.

The Bishop of Rome gets ready to tour.

He's looking to become more popular than Taylor Swift.

24th June, 2024.

He had to do something! An increasingly worried Pope decided it was time to try and restore his popularity in the face of a 'Taylor Swift onslaught'.

Seeing how the female pop star was drawing extemely large crowds, the Pope was worried that his influence would wane, and possibly even be diminished to the point nobody would listen to him again.

Being at a loss of how to cope with this situation, his closest advisors suggested that rather than compete with his opponent, he should follow their example. In other words, and as the old saying goes, if you can't beat them, join them.

Having espoused some revolutionary ideas in the past, he thought, why not? And so he got together with his most senior cardinals to 'brainstorm' ideas of how best to join the trend and portray himself as a popular musical performer. Hence, the idea that the Pope should head a new band came to be realised.

A number of names were suggested for this musical concept, but the Pope chose 'Fabulous Francis and the Jiving Jesuits'. The next step was to write songs that would resonate with his followers.

The first four songs on their new album are 'Rock da Flock', 'Cathedral Cool', 'Stay and Pray', and, most appropriately, 'Shift from the Swift'.

It remains to be seen how successful this experiment will be. But it has captured the imagination and attention of the world of popular music, and he and his band's performances will be closely followed and scrutinised.

Pictured: The disgruntled 'Village Idiot' applicant.

Who is this mystery man who tried to trick village officials?

Was heard grumbling, moaning and muttering something about vengeance.

4th May, 2024.

In an interview to become a 'Village Idiot' ("idiot"), an applicant could not prove his identity and therefore was automatically disqualified. The opportunity to take up this vacant position only arose because the previous idiot had left to take up another job as a policy advisor to the Tory Party.

The selection process was not an easy one. Although the mystery man showed admirable levels of stupidity, ignorance and a complete lack of awareness of the world around him, he could not prove that he wasn't already an idiot in another village, and was looking to illegally supplement his income. These are the rules for becoming an idiot. You have to register in just one village and not look for identical work elsewhere. This is because it deprives other candidates for the post at a time when there is a surplus of idiots in the UK. This is especially true of the Westminster area of London where most idiots appear to gather in an old and decrepit building near to the famous 'Big Ben' clock.

It is also rumoured that this man appeared to be similar in features to someone who works several days each year as an illiterate farm worker who specialises in spreading manure - in an undisclosed country somewhere in the Baltic region of Eastern Europe. This was according to several eye witnesses who had visited this part of the world in recent years and thought that this person bore a striking resemblance to the mystery man. This suspicion was further backed up when these witnesses also said the mystery man was making stupid noises similar to those used by idiots throughout the UK.

This is all that we know based on what has been told to us at Fakir News. Maybe the mystery man will turn up somewhere else in the near future and try once again to swindle his way into a position of trust. Who knows?